Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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