Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
