just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
