I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
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the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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