i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
