when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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