so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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