Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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