Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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