I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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