shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
