Rock
Scissors
Fuck
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
