They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
