In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My pussy is not your playground.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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