Ambien. No doubt about it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The power of my boobs compel you
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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