I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
