i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
