I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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