you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
