apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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