Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
