if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
