I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
