So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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