this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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