We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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