Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
