Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
