hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was born a porn star she said
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
