Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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