oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
