He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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