I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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