I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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