Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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