Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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