yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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