your thong is hanging out like whoa
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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