kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
