One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
