Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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