Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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