I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
