Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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