I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
