Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
