I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
