You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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