it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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