I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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