and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
