when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
