Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
