This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
