Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
