I got her a Nickelback box set.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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