I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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