Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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