Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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